I have been with a guy for almost three years. We have a child together — she's almost eight months old. I realised that he had been communicating with an ex so that led me to search his phone and hack his WhatsApp. Eventually I saw messages that he'd deleted that he sent to a classmate of his that seemed very suspicious. The message made me break down into tears and made me feel as though I couldn't trust him. That was not the first time that he had cheated; he had done so three months into our relationship and I basically ignored it. He said she was nagging him for sex, so he just gave in, so she would stop.
I confronted him about the text messages I saw and a sex video which was sent from his phone. His response was that it was someone from a past encounter. The video showed him having unprotected sex with this girl. After I confronted him, he lied and had a guilty look on his face, so I knew I had to get more information and I continued the hacking occasionally. I noticed that he started texting someone — there was no name, just a number, so I monitored the messages until I read a message and had to respond as if I was him. I later found out that the number was for the same girl he had cheated with before.
I decided I would confront him, so I hacked the phone and he discovered what I did. I used the opportunity to ask about the number and he pretended as though he didn't know the person. I just got specific after and told him who it was, and he has ignored the matter ever since . Each time he touches me all I see is the video.
I need your advice on what I should do as I am so stressed. I cry when I'm alone and I am angry. I love him, I have a daughter by him, but this is not how I wanted my life to be.
In this technological age partners in relationships will use their devices to carry out sinister activities. The guy uses the device as a “cheating” tool while the girl uses it for “investigative” purposes.
So while Mr Man was texting and video recording his X-rated acts, you were hacking his phone trying to obtain incriminating evidence. So even though you caught him with his pants down (literally) he decided to do a Shaggy number on you, “It wasn't me”.
So now that your detective skills confirmed your suspicions and you found what you were looking for, what next? As they say, be careful what you are looking for as you may not be able to deal with the revelations.
It is obvious that your gentleman has been quite busy playing the lead role in his private adult films and does not care to respect you or the relationship. His excuse for sexually engaging with the young lady is most juvenile. And having unprotected sex is not only careless but risky.
Cheating and lying are first cousins and so it is not surprising that he denied being with other women despite evidence to the contrary.
Like you, many women overlook the very first sign of unfaithfulness and hope that it does not happen again. Had you confronted him the first time he stepped out of the relationship maybe he would have been more mindful of his behaviour.
I imagine that the daughter that you both share is the sole reason you are hanging on to the relationship. One can feel your pain and distress as your partner doesn't seem to understand or care how his unfaithfulness is causing you much emotional distress.
Try having a serious face-to-face talk with him indicating that you feel disrespected and hurt by his actions and ascertain from him if he wants to maintain the committed relationship, or if he is only interested in a co-parenting relationship. If he is interested in the former, then he must cease his affairs and recommit his time and effort in building the relationship with you. If he is only wanting to co-parent, then that arrangement must be mutually arranged and executed.
Don't lower yourself to confront the other woman. Maintain your dignity as a self-respecting mother. It's your man who must be held accountable for his actions.
Take care of yourself.
Wayne Powell is a relationship counsellor. Write to firstname.lastname@example.org . Check his Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/MFTCounselor/.